Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
