Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
