Someone shit on the floor
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
