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who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
