They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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