so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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