I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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