I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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