Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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