I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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