my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
