Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
