His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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