he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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