dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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