Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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