One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
