Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
