you would pick up someone in the library
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
