He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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