what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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