awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
