I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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