Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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