Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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