When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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