Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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