I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
