I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
