then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
