so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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