Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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