i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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