even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
