checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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