i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize