sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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