My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
