I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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