The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
