Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
