ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
