So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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