I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
