I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
