if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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