I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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