Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
