I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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