I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
