Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
