True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
false alarm, still single
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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