Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
