i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
