come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
