I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
