so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
