When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
