turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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