somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
