it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
