someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
