Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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