GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
