I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
