I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize