What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
