lets start a swedish sibling band together
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
